An open letter to my teenage daughter (from mom)

My dearest darling R

Where did the time go? It’s your 13^th birthday in a week’s time! It seems like just a few weeks ago when you barely managed to reach up to my hand as you looked up at me. Today, I have to lift my head to be able to look at you. How did this happen so fast? Only if there was a magic button to turn time, I would love to relive your baby years– the first time you sat, walked, started talking in the cutest manner, trying to pronounce the words…so many special moments, I could go on and on.

As you came in this world

Words cannot describe the joy your dad and I felt as you came in this world and into our lives. You made our hearts swell with joy and pride. You were our first. From a couple, you turned us into a little family – our very own!

After my 24-hour labour, a failed induction and being overdue for the maximum term possible, you absolutely refused to make an entry into this world. Finally, when the doctors pulled you out through a c-section (and as your dad squealed with joy, catching your first glimpse through the camera in his hand), you had the expression of why did we disturb you from your peaceful, cosy slumber. But there you were – almost 4 kgs! Big bright eyes, head full of hair, trying your best to make eye contact with a slight obliging smile on your face. It was love at first sight.

Why am I writing you this letter?

As you turn thirteen (and I am still processing writing ‘teen’), I wanted to write this letter to you my teenage daughter. As much as I would like to shield you from all of life’s harsh realities and provide only beautiful moments, it does not work like that. You will have to walk your own path, which may not always be smooth. So, through this letter, I want to provide you with some life tools that will help you deal with some of the situations you’ll face as you start venturing out to carve your own way.

First and foremost: I am always with you – to support, encourage, motivate and advise you

If things go wrong, as they sometimes will, if you ever make mistakes, as you often will, I will be there. Sometimes to reprimand you, sometimes to nudge you and other times to just hug you. No matter what. Even when you think, ‘mum will not understand’, please do always remember I am there for you, with you, behind you, to support you every step of the way. You can always come to me. Even if I am away or not around, you can just close your eyes and find me right next to you.

Do not give into peer pressure

Life as a teenager can be hard and confusing. Your body and hormones are changing and there is a lot of peer pressure about any and everything. Navigating high-school, friendships and class dynamics are not always easy. But gudiya, stay strong and do not give in to peer pressure. Even more difficult is the discovery of, and dealing with, completely new emotions. I get that. You may feel that I don’t get it as times have changed since I was a teenager. But beta please trust me when I say this: I have been through and experienced that age and some things don’t change.

Be grateful for your family

…Yup, you’ll will miss them all!

Remember family is very important and will always support you. It will not judge you, but will point out right from wrong because it has your best interest at heart. Family is a safe place – your own little world where you can just be yourself and let go at the end of the day. Love it, appreciate it, and every day, spend some time with your family—it could be just over dinner or evening walks. These precious times will go by too fast and you will miss them dearly. I still miss the daily evening chai sessions with my parents!

Making mistakes and failure is inevitable

Life’s greatest lessons are learnt when we fall, make mistakes or fail. Failures and setbacks teach you a lot about life. It is okay to not succeed every time. You will emerge stronger and wiser from your failures and mistakes. It is easier said than done—I know—but never let the fear of failure guide your actions. Till you don’t try, you will never know. Here is a link to my favourite speeches of all times on the importance of failure.

Embrace little things in life

Amidst your school work, electives, after-school activities, friendships, next steps, do take note of all the amazing and seemingly small things that come your way. It is the journey that matters more than the destination.

Those casual, everyday occurrences—conversations around the dining table, walks around the lake, repetitive chatter with your little brother—will mean a lot more one day and will fill your heart.

Keep your sense of wonder and curiosity going

Keep asking questions and keep learning. It is those little questions and curiosity for life that will shape a large part of your future. I love that you are an immensely curious person. Never give up your curiosity. It makes you who you are. I am so proud that you are a very generous and compassionate person at heart.

Also, in your daily grind and teenage problems, don’t forget to be imaginative! Continue dreaming your dreams. I’m very proud of achievements you have already accomplished at the cusp of your teenage years.

Gender inequality, misogyny and patriarchy

It pains me to write this in today’s day and age, but there will be times when you will think to yourself ‘ah! this is not fair’, or ‘that is not just’, or ‘this will never happen if it was a man in my shoes’. You will face gender inequality as you venture out into the world. We will not allow you to step out alone at night for your safety. You may not have equal pay as your male colleagues even if you work equally hard or more. People may harass you more just because you are a girl. It’s unfortunate, but true. While this decade has seen some huge improvements in this space, a lot more remains to be done.

Especially, coming from the subcontinent region, where patriarchal way of thinking is so deep-rooted that sometimes I don’t even realise that anything was wrong there. I have no advice here my child, except to try your best and never shy away from what you feel is your right.

It’s okay for you to be angry and mad at me sometimes

I want to do all the fun and exciting things with you. Take you to movies, discuss your favourite books and your writing, eat ice cream as we get our pedicures done, etc. But beta, as your mum, my main responsibility is to make sure you are safe and that you grow into a responsible, good human being. This means that I may disagree with your choices some times. You may have consequences for being irresponsible or for lying to me. You may think I am being unfair and unreasonable when I take away your screen time or music, but that is okay. In time you will realise it was for your own good gudiya.

Lastly and most importantly: Enjoy this time heaps for it will pass soon

While all years that life provides are beautiful, teenage years are truly special. It’s the time to embrace new experiences and seize opportunities. You are not a child any more and not an adult yet. You have no bills to honour and no taxes to pay. You have no job to worry about (and yes I know you can’t wait to have one!). It is a new kind of freedom.

Learn as much as you can, live as much as you can, and enjoy your years with your family and friends before the real-world calls. The concerns and thoughts you have now will not remain for life. You will look back at this time as only a fraction of your life, so do not fret too much about what happens now. Make the most of this phase, for it will pass too quickly. And I promise you, you will never forget your teenage years.

World is your oyster and you can dream big. Cherish this time and live heartily.

In conclusion: You will always remain my baby girl

Lovingly

Mumma

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